Cold

I don't know what is wrong with me. I look at all of the relationships that I have entered into in my lifetime. I don't miss people. I don't know if I form attachments to people. I know that I attach to them somewhat but to say that I truly miss them when they are gone I don't think I do. I don't mean to offend people as they are reading this if they do know me but this is just the way that I am made. When a friendship or a relationship ends I don't sit and miss them, I miss the time and I adapt to the change of not having them in my life anymore but I don't feel like I miss them. I think of my weekend and Friday night. I'm not at all hurt by the situation. I don't feel like crying or yelling or anything. I feel nothing. Why is that? I enter into one night stands willingly and knowing full well that they are one night stands. I don't think the next day "oh what did I do?" I think "had fun, maybe do it again." What is wrong with me. I think of two of my friends who are jealous that I am all of a sudden not seeing and calling them as much. I can't understand why they are upset. The one person has been through this with me once before already, and the other rarely talked to me when she was in college so why is it now odd for me not to need her friendship. Even when people in my life have passed away, I am saddened that they are gone but I don't ever remember sitting thinking how much I miss them. They aren't coming back so what is the use if missing them? The one time that I thought I would have felt something was when I was told that I had probably had a miscarriage. I have always known that I want to be a mom and that will be the best job I have. Why then when would I feel nothing? Am I a cold callous person I wonder who is incapable of forming attachments to people? There are two people that had an impact on me that I know I miss. I still sometimes think about them and hope that they are doing well, but know that as years go by they probably won't even remember me. Friday night bothers me for other reasons. I guess I don't understand being mean to someone for no apparent reason. I have never directly hurt someone just because I could. Life is all about hurt. Why would I want to add to the pile. I guess that is what amazes me. I understand that alcohol played a big role in it but still, that is only an excuse until you sober up. Everyone gets hurt at some point and often many times in life, why would you want to contribute? The problem is that I don't feel hurt. I feel disappointed in the human race yet once again. Do other people feel this way? Will I miss my parents when they pass or will I just accept it and continue living? So my question is will I ever make a connection with someone that I will miss them? And if I don't then what the hell is wrong with me?