Tears

Somedays you just feel at a loss. Today is my day. I woke up really early, 5:40am to be exact. Wide awake. I started watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose". Then I dozed off and on until 7:13am when Jen called me. She does this all of the time!! My response was not hello but "It's 7am on Saturday morning" She blurted out what she had to say then we hung up. It could have waited. Then I finished watching the movie then fell back asleep until 10am when I finally did get up. I'm grumpy though. I know when I am this way and I don't hide it. I let people know right away. I figure what is the point in pretending to be in a good mood when I'm not. There are several reasons I know why I am feeling this way. One is that I was talking to a group the other day about a friend who had passed away in an accident and then one of my staff came and told me she has the video of the accident and she uses it for some prevention program. I almost started bawling right then and there. I haven't cried in a while and maybe I'm just due but I'm torn. I want to see the video but I don't. I have no clue why I would want to see it, it's been years since his death but it is just really bugging me right now. Then I had to be disciplinary sort of to a staff and I am friends with her and I had said that I didn't want to talk about work outside of work with her so that there weren't mixed messages that she has more pull with me and I found that I had to keep changing the subject last night away from work. I don't know if I'm cut out for management material. It's tough not to feel bad when you are changing people's schedules and impacting their lives. Then Jen calling me at 7am sure didn't put me in a good mood so that is another reason. And yes the big dupa is pissing me off. No, nothing has changed or happened. I just think of the response I got though. He says that he is happy that we are being open and honest but I'm the one being totally open and honest and he's just meeting me halfway. I know that I tell way too many people what is going on in my life. I know, I know. I can't seem to keep my damn mouth shut though. I am envious of people who are dating and don't tell every detail because I can't seem to be able to do that. I want to share and yes I want people's opinions I guess where I get frustrated is that I know that one scenario is that he is totally just using me. I know that, people don't have to worry that my eyes aren't wide open, they are. Do I think that he is using me? I sure as hell hope not because he's a really good actor then. The one thing that keeps me thinking that no he's not using me is if you are using someone you don't care if you hurt their feelings and come and apologize when they do. He did. That was a way out and he didn't take it. Have we had sex every time that we've got together? Nope, so that is another reason that I don't think I'm being used. Thank you Char for caring, and I do want to tell people things, but I think that I am only going to share on here. If people want to know they can read it. I won't lie, I am getting frustrated. I had thought that we wouldn't have any more deep conversations but no, I need to know if he thinks of me as only a booty call. If he does I'm done. I'm not that and I don't want to be that. People don't have to worry if I know that it is just sex I won't allow myself to be used for that. Do I wonder why he never invites em anywhere publicly? Yes, but then I think of myself and I don't ever ask him to come out with me. I don't know how to act with him in public. So who is being secretive? I didn't even ask him what he was doing for the rest of the weekend, he told me he had a fondue party to go to and I didn't offer anything as to what I am doing this weekend. Oh this life frustrates me sometimes. I am glad to be living though and to go through these struggles because I agree that it all does work out in the end and forever is worth the wait. A note about Emily Rose. I actually believe the scientific reason for her behaviour and not the religious. If all of a sudden I had a grand mal seizure I'd probably be freaked out as hell and scared of myself. Scared to sleep and sleep deprivation can cause a lot of issues. So yeah, I believe that she did have epilepsy with induced psychosis.

Don't Know

So everyone has been asking me if it is time to move on. They want me to find out where I stand with him, is this going anywhere, will it ever, or is it just for now and then one day be over. So I had told God that if he came back to me I would take the plunge and talk to him. The worst thing that could happen is that he would say no he didn't think that I was the type of girl he would date and it would be over but at least I would know. Right. WRONG!! I told him that I liked the way things were going and for as much as people don't believe me and I continually feel like I have to justify why I am doing things the way I am I do want both he and I to be sure that we do like eachother before we get too involved and bring our lives together. What a run on sentence that was! Anyways I told him that I just wanted to keep it light and casual like it has been but I did want to know if he did see us together one day. I told him that I didn't want anything now and probably not for a while but I need to know. He told me that right now he knows that he doesn't have time for a girlfriend but later he doesn't know. He said that he likes that we are being honest and up front about things but he truly doesn't know. He also said that he doesn't have time for any girlfriend so its not me. He siad that he too liked the way things were and he just doesn't have the time for a relationship. So I got an answer, "I don't know". Am I better off to everyone who thought that I needed to find out? He left me today by telling me to have a fabulous day and squeazing my hand goodbye. I of course am still very guarded and don't ever lean in for a kiss. Oh the other thing that I told him was that he had to dance with me every once in awhile. I told him that we used to dance and I didn't know why we didn't now but that when he dances with others and not me it makes me think he's embarassed to be seen with me. He said that's not it at all and that we will dance. So we will see. Okay, so the woman part of my brain kicks in and I think that I need to tell him what I percieve a relationship looking like. No different than it is now. The only difference is that I would know that we were committed to eachother. I don't need any more of his time right now, I just would want the reassurance that he wasn't lookin gfor anyone else. My woman's brain though thinks that he thinks I would want to be involved in all parts of his life and for him to spend all of his time with me but I don't. So if I clarify what I want out of a relationship maybe he will realize that we want the same thing. I know people don't believe me but I know what I want and that is him. I like him for who he is now, not who I will change him into. Maybe its selfish but I like my life now. I have plans this weekend and although the thought did cross my mind to ask him to join me I dismissed it just as quickly because for the first time in a long time I am having fun in my life and I'm having by myself and not relying on someone else to create my life for me. So that's it. Did we make any future plans, nope. I wanted things to go back to the way they were this summer, more casual and relaxed and that is what I have right now so I am thankful. So that's it. And I know that I am my own worst enemy becasue I talk to people and then I feel like I have to justify my actions all of the time to everyone. Will I get hurt in this process? I have no clue, what I do have is faith and I have told God outright that if this is to end he has to end it because I can't; and it hasn't ended yet.
Moving on to the other area of my life. I am really finding it difficult this time to be a supervisor. People always think that you are making decisions based on personal interest and feelings when that isn't the case at all. When you are a boss, any boss you make decisions are based on doing the best job that you can and not on making people's lives miserable and being a bitch, however I find that people tend to take everything personal even though you are only doing your job. This is so frustrating. I feel like yelling, "I'm just doing my job!! Just like you do your job everyday I am just doing mine and decisions are just a part of it!" I'm okay though. I like the job and I am definately very busy I just have some adjusting to do regarding that one part. I will admit when I was a supervisor before I was a pushover. It took some time to be able to build up the courage to make a decision that affected the employees but now I have taken on that role and I'm not going back to being a pushover. It's not that I want to be a bitch, I want to do the best damn job I am capable of doing. That's it, it is nothing personal. So I think that I have ranted on long enough today and I should now do some work so that is just what I am going to do.