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SO before you even begin reading this I want to let anyone who knows me personally that I am not posting this and requesting people to comment, if anything I am posting this to myself and for no one else. Everyone has an opinion and I am slowly learning that sometimes I don't want to know what people think. Did he call me Thursday night, nope. I was so upset that I actually did cry. I had such anger towards the entire situation. Why would he come into my life and then not come back. I was just so angry. Anyways 3am comes along and I get a nice wake-up call. He's stuck in Bonnyville, his bestfriend (who I wouldn't refer to as his best friend any more) left him and he's in his car that doesn't have accurate registration on it. This was what he was supposed to be doing on Friday. But instead they start drinking right after work and think that it would be a good idea to go to Bonnyville, drunk with no registration on the car! So what do I do, ask him if he is going to stay in a hotel. He said that he walked to a few and couldn't get a room. He said that it was because of his race. That hit me for some reason. I didn't even think like that. I automatically assumed that it is Bonnyville, and there is a tonne of oil activity going on so that is why there is no rooms. SO then I tell him that I can go and pick him up. He was surprised that I would do this. What else was I supposed to do? I didn't even think about it. That is how women are stupid. I forgot about how angry I was at him for the previous week and I go running to him when he is need. So I go to Bonnyville, we talk until I am 10 minutes out and then he told me to call him back. I get to Bonnyville and all I get is his voicemail. Stupid us didn't clarify exactly where he was or what the car looked like. SO I drove around for 15 minutes and then went back home. 5:05am when I get back home! Go back to bed and sleep until 7:15am, get up to let the dogs out and who calls? You guessed it. He's still in Bonnyville the car got impounded because it didn't have proper registration and his cell phone is about to die. This time we are smart enough to meet at A&W. So by now you have guessed that I told him again that I would go back and pick him up. He's where he is supposed to be and waiting for me. Apologizes profusely for the night before. Cell phone is dead, I double checked. SO off we go to spend the day together. Great day. Did errands and just hung out together. Still get the butterflies whenever he touches me. We talk about where we are at. We both have been burned pretty bad 2 years ago so we decide to take it slow. His daughter is also moving in with him and that will slow things down too because although I want to meet her I don't want to yet. So when will I see him again? Probably next days off. I'm okay with him not calling every night, and told him so. He surprised me though last night because he did call. I missed the call though so I'm not always going to be completely available to him. So do I thank God for giving me a sign? Did he give me a sign? Is it good or is it bad? I have no idea. I just know that for right now I am happy and content. Geez, the first thing he said to me when I picked him up was that I looked totally hot and I hadn't showered was low on sleep and slapped on my makeup as fast as I could. So for right now he's a keeper. I'm not perfect and so why should I expect him to be too. For some reason though any flaws that I am sure you all are pointing out are not flaws to me. I just see that he is being up front and honest about himself and his life.

Life

Life is ever changing and a I think that everyone struggles
with change to a certain degree. People encourage you to make changes when you aren't happy but isn't easy for them to make the suggestions when they aren't the ones that have to actually deal with the change and the events that transpire when we undergo change. So what is the answer? Do we live in an unhappy state or do we take the leap and try change? I have always known that I would jump around in terms of jobs in my lifetime. I enjoy doing something for awhile and then it is time to move on. Once you have left your mark in a place I believe that it is time to move on and leave your mark somewhere else. Life shouldn't be going to the same cubicle day after day with no end in sight. It should be enjoyable and memorable. I am going to make a conscious effort to change my life to make it memorable. I know that people get frustrated with me because I tend to jump off the deep end at times. Rather than thinking about how I can change little things in my life I think dramatic change is needed to make me happy. Hence the moving to New York. Would living in New York with my closest friends and relatives make me happy? I have no idea, or am I better off to change my hair and live with that change instead. I firmly stand on my two favorite sayings; and I mean that I actually am standing on them, the tattoos on my feet. "When you stop dreaming it's time to die" and "The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow". I love both of these phrases. I believe that everyone should have hopes and dreams for their lives. Whether it be getting a PhD or it being able to have $50.00 in your bank account at the end of the month. Everyone needs something to live for. If you have nothing to look forward to then what are you living for? And I laugh everything off. I am the odd one in my family for this because when everyone else is mad and swearing about the situation I find humor in it. I hope that this trait will continue with me for the rest of my life. If you can't laugh then you are truly an unhappy soul and I feel sorry for you. I look around at my co-workers and they really aren't a happy bunch! How depressing it is to work in this atmosphere. Hey, but it does give me the incentive to finish my degree that much sooner so that I am a candidate for other jobs. Work is just place that we go to for 8 hours a day; it isn't a life, it's just a place. Really when you think about it a job really does get in the way of life but if you are positive about it a job can be part of your life, it is when it becomes your life that you are in trouble.

Another Day Goes By

So I'm not as frustrated as the previous blog. Although I must admit that staying home by myself for 2 days is never good for a person that is about to go over the edge. Your mind begins to play funny tricks on you. Especially in the dream world. Now I 'm fine though; back in the land of the living and no longer barreled over with sickness that I felt for the past two days.

Dear God

Why is it that we pray and the answers are never any clearer than if we didn't pray at all? Why do you put people in our lives only to take them away faster than they even came. Why? Do you ever give a clear and concise answer or is that for when we are dead and then we get all of those questions answered, not that they will be of any value to us then. Why would you bring that into my life when I didn't want it in the first place and now leave me questioning if it is even still there? I have no clue if it has left me or if I am just supposed to be patient and it is what I have been dreaming about for my entire life but I just have to wait a little bit longer. WHy would you bring it into my life and have it consume all of my thoughts from the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I finally drift off to sleep. Only to not really even have it here with me, or even have contact with it. WHy would you do that? Is it some form of sick torture to get people to spend their time praying to you for answers when previously they have lived there lives with no questions to be answered and happy. Why would you bring something into somebody's life and have such a profound effect on the person in just moments that you were able to spend with it and then have it go missing. Why would you do this? SO now I am writing my questions instead of just praying, Why? Is it coming back? Be as clear as the air I breathe, not as muddy water, I need clarity. Are you testing my patience to see how long I can go on? I need an answer, why do you want me to spend so much time thinking about the unknown when you could answer me in less time that it takes me to breathe in. AM I mad at you? I don't know; I think that you frustrate me. I know that life isn't easy. But I thought that may be it was my time for everything to finally fall into place. I have forgiven people who have hurt me in the past, I have tried to help people when I see that I can, but now I thought it was my turn for complete happiness. You gave me 18 hours of it at the most and now it is gone. When will I feel like that again? When will the ending come? I have belief in you and I am asking for my questions to be answered, show me that you are still there. I am in need for you to carry me and speak to me directly and tell me that I am one of the loved.
answers unknown