Nightmare

I don't often get nightmares. Last night was a combination. I used to have dreams where I would wake up from and still see the people that I was dreaming about in my room. I would physically get up and turn on my light to find out that I was dreaming. Last night I dreamt that a man was trying to catch me and actually kill me. This is often a dream of mine. It came close to it last night though. He did actually cut my neck with a knife of some sort and then I was able to get free but he continued to chase me. He caught me again and this time he was just holding me and I knew that he was going to rape me, I just knew it. I woke myself up and I could see two men standing over my bed. I tried to wake up some more and they were still there. I physically kicked at them to make sure that I was dreaming and I was, it is a really strange feeling to know that you are dreaming and unable to wake up from the dream. I kept wondering if they are really here why aren't the dogs barking, that's part of the reason I knew I was just dreaming. Finally I grabbed my remote and turned on my tv, it was still probably 45 seconds before they actually disappeared. That got me thinking. I would be totally screwed if anyone did ever break into my house. I thought, well I have a glass next to my bed I could hit them on the head with that, then run for the door. Run downstairs and get outside, but would I have enough time? Probably not. I need something. I have a really big knife that I could just keep under my bed but I don't like the idea of stabbing someone. I'd rather just hit them really hard. I thought about the movie Enough and all of the precautions she took to make sure she was safe. I have nothing. I sleep nude for crying out loud. I'd be running out in the street screaming naked, I'd scare people away and not get any help! So I'm thinking of a little wooden bat. My mom and dad have one and they use it as a fish bonker but it would be the perfect size to hit someone and it's heavy enough that he should be able to knock them out pretty good. So that's my pro-active plan in case anyone ever breaks into my house. Kind of stupid that I only think of this plan 3 years after I move out on my own, but hey, now I have a plan.

I know Why

So I have sat thinking, and thinking, and thinking about what happened and why. I don't have answers for the event but I've learned other things. I always think that I am brought into people's lives for a reason and usually I think that I am brought into their lives for me to help them. What if they were brought into my life to help me? I normally am not this open about God on this blog and usually save those conversations for my other blog but for some reason I wanted to post it here. Over the past few years I have backslid from God. I didn't know how to get back to where I had been before and it bothered me. I wanted to have that feeling of security that I had when I spoke to God daily and I could hear and see him answering my prayers. This past Christmas a friend told me that the only thing that they wanted to give me for Christmas was my relationship back with God. They didn't know how to give it though either. Dave's it. I know some people may read this and think that I am dreaming when I say this but it doesn't matter, this is my reasoning. I started to pray when Dave came into my life. God answered the prayers that he felt needed to be answered and the others he didn't because they didn't need to be answered. Then I started thanking God and I couldn't wait to talk to Him. When I started the relationship with Dave I wanted to be friends at the end of it no matter what happened. I now can be because I am grateful to him for bringing God back into my life even though he will never know this it doesn't matter. I have something better, something that I know is stable and the only way it will ever change is if I neglect it. So now I'm okay. I'm still going to go and try to get my stuff and face him and just see what he says but in all honesty it doesn't matter. He's not it and I have something better now anyways. So Dave, even though you will never know this thanks for bringing me back to God.

Bitch

I am pissed most at my self. I don't want to be nice anymore. I don't want to do favors for people, I don't want to hear about all of their problems and try to help. I want to be able to tell people exactly what I think and not censor it, I want to be able to tell people off and not feel bad about it. I want to hit something in all reality when I think about it. I didn't call, he called. I didn't ask to come over, he did, I didn't approach him in the bar, he did. I don't call him as soon as he comes home, he calls me. WHAT THE FUCK!@ I gave myself a time line and it's done. I said I would be happy at whatever I got out of this because in the end all I wanted to be was friends and that's what pisses me off. We were never friends. I was totally clueless. Am I hurt, sure but I will get over it, did I waste my time, nope, I didn't know if it would go anywhere. Now I know it won't and so I won't continue because then I would be wasting my time. It's not like I'm the nicest person in the world, I know I'm not, but I've never been intentionally rude, mean or hurtful to anyone I don't think and yet people seem to feel the need to be mean and hurtful and not even care about feelings. Do they even know. Probably not because I never defend myself and I just sit there and take it. I'm just tired. Today I am tired of life. I know that it's just today and tomorrow will be a better day. I just so badly wanted to be friends.